My Personal Naming Story

My full name is Timothy James Kurth. That's been my name since just before my fourth birthday. Before that my name was Timothy Gerald Hanley. It's not all that unusual for a step dad to adopt the children of his new wife, but that's not really what happened with me. I was named after my father. He was Thomas Gerald Hanley, named after his father Thomas. When my mom divorced Gerald (like many people in the south he went by his middle name), she was already seeing Jim Kurth and married him just months later. My mother, father and stepfather agreed that my father would stay completely out of my life as if he never existed. To accomplish this deceit my name was changed to Timothy James Kurth.

At the age of three my father, who had given me his name, took it away and allowed another man to replace it. Not only that, but the whole family was in on it. But that's a story for another time. For now let's focus on what it means to me to this day that my father took away his name and allowed another man to take his place. I didn't see my father again until I was 20 years old. I promise more on how that happened later as it's a better story. But from age three to age 20 my father had absolutely no contact with me and nothing to say to me. Instead the man who took his place did the naming. To him I was known as lazy, irresponsible, careless, and other less than encouraging names. Those names stuck with me for many years and, to be honest, still have power in my life when I let my guard down.

Happier Naming Stories

There are happier naming stories in the Bible. Here are a couple…

57 Now it was time for Elizabeth’s baby to be born, and it was a boy. 58 The word spread quickly to her neighbors and relatives that the Lord had been very kind to her, and everyone rejoiced with her.
59 When the baby was eight days old, all the relatives and friends came for the circumcision ceremony. They wanted to name him Zechariah, after his father. 60 But Elizabeth said, “No! His name is John!”
61 “What?” they exclaimed. “There is no one in all your family by that name.” 62 So they asked the baby’s father, communicating to him by making gestures. 63 He motioned for a writing tablet, and to everyone’s surprise he wrote, “His name is John!” 64 Instantly Zechariah could speak again, and he began praising God.
65 Wonder fell upon the whole neighborhood, and the news of what had happened spread throughout the Judean hills. 66 Everyone who heard about it reflected on these events and asked, “I wonder what this child will turn out to be? For the hand of the Lord is surely upon him in a special way.”

18 Now this is how Jesus the Messiah was born. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. But while she was still a virgin, she became pregnant by the Holy Spirit. 19 Joseph, her fiancé, being a just man, decided to break the engagement quietly, so as not to disgrace her publicly.
20 As he considered this, he fell asleep, and an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream. “Joseph, son of David,” the angel said, “do not be afraid to go ahead with your marriage to Mary. For the child within her has been conceived by the Holy Spirit. 21 And she will have a son, and you are to name him Jesus,* for he will save his people from their sins.” 22 All of this happened to fulfill the Lord’s message through his prophet:
23 “Look! The virgin will conceive a child!
She will give birth to a son,
and he will be called Immanuel*
(meaning, God is with us).”

Both John the Baptist and Jesus had names assigned by God in ways that set them apart for the work they were to do. In the story of Jesus’ birth two names are given, Jesus and Immanuel. Eventually many names were given to Jesus with some of them even nailed above his head on the cross. But his very first name was given to him by his father. Please don’t miss this…father’s name their children. Upon birth and over and over again throughout their lives we label our children in countless ways.

What Did You Call Me?

We start with a question that so many of us have asked…if not out loud, at least in our heads upon hearing someone call us a name. Name calling can be hurtful but naming is something every father does. From ancient times it fell to the father to name their children. One of the most powerful naming stories in scripture comes from the prophet Hosea. God called Hosea to the difficult task of proclaiming judgment on the people of Israel and he used the names of his children to make the point. Here’s how the story goes…

So Hosea married Gomer, the daughter of Diblaim, and she became pregnant and gave Hosea a son. 4 And the LORD said, “Name the child Jezreel, for I am about to punish King Jehu’s dynasty to avenge the murders he committed at Jezreel. 5 In fact, I will put an end to Israel’s independence by breaking its military power in the Jezreel Valley.”
6 Soon Gomer became pregnant again and gave birth to a daughter. And the LORD said to Hosea, “Name your daughter Lo-ruhamah—‘Not loved’—for I will no longer show love to the people of Israel or forgive them. 7 But I, the LORD their God, will show love to the people of Judah. I will personally free them from their enemies without any help from weapons or armies.”
8 After Gomer had weaned Lo-ruhamah, she again became pregnant and gave birth to a second son. 9 And the LORD said, “Name him Lo-ammi—‘Not my people’—for Israel is not my people, and I am not their God. 10 Yet the time will come when Israel will prosper and become a great nation. In that day its people will be like the sands of the seashore—too many to count! Then, at the place where they were told, ‘You are not my people,’ it will be said, ‘You are children of the living God.’ 11 Then the people of Judah and Israel will unite under one leader, and they will return from exile together. What a day that will be—the day of Jezreel*—when God will again plant his people in his land.
1 In that day you will call your brothers Ammi—‘My people.’ And you will call your sisters Ruhamah—‘The ones I love.’

In just a few verses God tells the whole story of condemnation and salvation for his people Israel in the names of three children. I’ve always thought it was particularly tragic for Lo-ruhamah. Imagine being named “not loved” at birth. On the other hand you could consider it helpful to get that name at birth. How many people have sorted through all the names they’ve been called by fathers in their lives before coming to the painful conclusion that they were not loved? Maybe it’s better to know up front!

One More Comment Before We Dig In

We’ll be writing this from two unique perspectives. We’ll be talking about the dad’s we’ve had and what we never had but would love to have had. Perhaps you’ll see the dad you’ve had and catch a vision of the dad you’ve never had. Together we’ll bring the voice of a man who’s recovering from the trauma of being poorly fathered and somehow learned to father better and a boy who’s still experiencing the trauma of poor fathering and can speak earnestly, heartbreakingly of what he needs from a father. Along the way we hope to uncover the tools God’s given you, place them in your hands and encourage you to practice, practice, and practice becoming the father you long for.

Meet Jared

(Jared's sections were first written in 2008 and appear here as originally written)

My name is Jared Allen and I’ve been asked to help write this because in my 14 years of life I’ve gone through three dads and many boyfriends of my mom’s not to mention seeing and hearing a heck of a lot of stuff. My real dad Mike lives in North Carolina (I'm in Colorado) and we have an on again off again relationship. He’s of the “kids are to be seen and not heard” belief. My first step-dad Darren is my six-year-old sister’s dad and really just a kid himself, at 32. We did share the same interests so we did bond very well. He bought me a lot of stuff and it kinda felt like he was trying to buy my love but I don’t think he knows a lot about giving a young boy love because his dad left and he also had a step father who was a big jerk. And last but not lease is my current step-dad Dave. Unfortunately by the time he became my step-dad I was pretty much done with dads or guys that came around with my mom. I didn’t want another one because I’d had too many already that had let me down and just kinda left scars. The way I think of the whole situation is it's like fresh new concrete and every guy stuck their hand in that fresh new concrete until that wet concrete hardened and there’s no way any other guy could get through. But over the last seven years we have grown to have a pretty normal step-dad/step-son relationship. We have more of a friendship than a father/son deal, which is perfect for me since the “dad” thing has been such a failure in my life. Bit by bit I’m squeezing him in some where in my concrete heart. I wanted to help with this book because I’d like other dad’s or other teens like me to see what I went through and maybe help them to make better choices than the dads in my life did. I also want them to see how their actions and choices affect their son’s lives, and ripple through and through. How maybe the hurt and heartache can be avoided.

What it Takes to be a Father

Let’s start by dispelling a great myth that has arisen in our society. The foundational lie upon which this myth is based goes something like this, “Getting a girl pregnant doesn’t make you a father.” That’s a lie, plain and simple. Impregnating a woman does make you a father. The fact that we live in a world where men who get women pregnant are routinely given a pass on meeting the obligations of fatherhood doesn’t make them any less a father. You might be one of the men reading right now who doesn’t want to hear this, so I’ll say it again…having sex with a woman and causing her to become pregnant makes you a father. Fathers have a God given obligation to the children they conceive.
Fatherhood isn’t easy but it is vitally important to the overall health of a society. And let’s be clear, becoming a father is easy. Fathering is a whole different story.

We’re not here to say we’ve got all the answers, sometimes just the opposite. We’ll raise questions you’ll have to deal with on your own. More than anything, we want to encourage you. You can father well, spectacularly well. It takes looking for good strong role models (the lack of such is one issue we’ll tackle), studying the great masters and practice, practice, practice.

And So It Begins

“When I was a boy in my father’s house, still tender, and an only child of my mother, he taught me and said, “Lay hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands and you will live. Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or swerve from them.”
- Proverbs 4:3-5 (NIV)

INTRODUCTION

The powerful influence of a father in the life of a child has, at times, been questioned in the last few decades. Recently there are more and more studies beginning to confirm that father’s are, indeed, crucial to the healthy development of children. This isn’t a secret to anyone familiar with scripture. Father’s are celebrated time and again in God’s word as responsible for teaching, leading, feeding and nurturing their children. This is not to say, in any way, that mom’s are not just as important. Quite the contrary, however, this book is specifically written to encourage men in their roles as fathers. The idea for this book actually comes out of experiences with men who’ve consistently shared life experiences with fathers who were “distant”, “unemotional”, “abusive”, “hurting”, “tired”, “busy” and more. Men who’ve shared their doubt about their own abilities to father their children and even confess failures due, in part, to the lack of any good role models.

Our big goal with this blog is to encourage men. We want men to know they can father in healthy ways even if they’ve had no role models in their lives. We want to give men tools they can learn and practice as they express their love for their children. We share this because we know, first hand, that fathering done poorly is devastating in our lives. Perhaps it’s been devastating in your life. The words in the Proverb quoted above are so true. Particularly powerful is this thought, children do not forget the words of their fathers! If you’re hoping to find words that are more helpful, we offer this book with hopes that God will bless you through it.