Intentional Attention

Anyway, I was saying that when my kids came along this whole concept of time together was pretty foreign to me. Besides the lack of any good role model I was a confirmed workaholic and working in the church. Church work isn’t like a nine to five job so I had plenty of excuses for not being home at night or keeping a regular schedule. My wife did a wonderfully gentle job of helping me see the kids need for time with me.

I admit, though, that in my head if there wasn’t a specific task to be accomplished then I had a hard time justifying the investment of time. This isn’t an exaggeration. I can remember arguments with Elizabeth that were caused by my inability to see the value in “just hanging around.” If you’re not “doing” something then you’re just wasting time. Come to think of it that may be something I learned from my dad. If you’re not producing something then you’re lazy. I’m not saying I didn’t roll around on the floor with my kids when they were little. That was something I’d do before dinner or between dinner and the start of the prime time television shows. It was filler in those little gaps between doing something that was scheduled. The suggestion my wife made that stuck for me was the idea of actually putting the kids on my schedule. While this may sound heartless or cold, it actually was a very good idea for a guy who didn’t know how to relax and had no good model for how to spend time with his kids.

So, while the kids were still quite young I started scheduling time with them on my calendar. I found that the way I was wired it was necessary for me to make time for my kids in a very intentional way.

Jared comments...

I think this way of doing it is really good. You’re intentionally making time with your kids. It’s like you’re making a date with them. It’s better than making vague promises then blowing them off. The thing about scheduling time is that you have to be true to your word. My dad scheduled time to pick me up or call me and then blew me off. Don’t schedule time with your kids if you’re not going to follow through.

Tim continues...

So there were Jesse and Laina days in my schedule. We rarely had a set schedule within the day but we’d spend a good long portion of the day. Sometimes we’d go for a long drive and just talk, stop to play miniature golf. Sometimes it was a visit to a museum. Once Laina and I went ice-skating. As we’ve said before, it wasn’t about what we did; it was about being together and having the opportunity to get to know each other. As the kids got older I volunteered to coach sports with Jesse and direct plays Laina was in. These were scheduled activities and there were other kids involved. But this kind of interaction brought another benefit. As father I was comfortable in my kids’ spaces. I got to know their friends and was well known at their school. It wasn’t embarrassing for my kids to have dad around.

Maybe scheduling time with your kids is an idea that’ll work for you, and maybe not. And it wasn’t just the scheduled time that I spent with my kids. There were other times but the scheduling provided the large chunks of time when relationships could be built. That’s the key as you practice presence. Find large chunks of time where the main point is you being with your children. Not in front of the television or at the movies, but time when they have your undivided attention. There is not a single investment of any sort that will pay greater dividends than the investment of time.